<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Darkness caving in by ArthurFlecksGirl</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23527006">Darkness caving in</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl'>ArthurFlecksGirl</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Joker (2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, F/M, Mental Illness, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 15:02:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,475</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23527006</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArthurFlecksGirl/pseuds/ArthurFlecksGirl</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A darker short story about Arthur Fleck struggeling with mental illness and suicidal thoughts</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Arthur Fleck/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Darkness caving in</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Arthur was sitting at the table in the corner of his dark apartment. The smoke of his half gone cigarette filled the dark room. Only the dim blue lights from the kitchen made it possible to see something.</p>
<p>Arthur inhaled the smoke as he turned the desk light on.</p>
<p>Almost empty bottles of serveral different medication lying between an ashtray and his wrecked journal.</p>
<p>He was topless, in his pj pants and started to get cold. But he didnt had the time to get a shirt. There was no time to waste.</p>
<p>He had to get all of these thoughts out of himself. On the paper. Maybe then they would leave him at peace. At least for the rest of the night.</p>
<p>His therapist recommented it to him. Writing a journal. So he did. He wasnt sure if it helped in any way but it was easier tokeep all his jokes together this way, so he kinda started to appriciate it.</p>
<p>Dr Kane never really read the words he had written. She told him she would but her eyes always skipped the most important parts. She just looked over it. No real interest.</p>
<p>Althought the content of his diary was pretty personal, he wished someone would read it. Not only skipping though the pages. </p>
<p>The thought of someone paying attention to his words made made him feel warm inside. He wanted to be heard. he wanted to be listened to. Even if some of the stuff would be truly embarrassing. It would be worth it.</p>
<p>He was always alone with his thoughts. So alone that it felt like his own mind was attacking him sometimes. It just wouldnt leave him alone. </p>
<p>Every night, when he was lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, darkness was caving in, coming closer. Smothering him. Not only the darkness of the room. But the darkness inside of him. It grew within him like a creature of its own. Like something he lost control over it. Day by day.</p>
<p>The seven different medications he took should keep the darkness from taking him in compleately. But he wasnt sure for how long this would work out anymore.</p>
<p>Last night he felt hands all over him.</p>
<p>Not hands of a beautiful girl, like he wished for.</p>
<p>Shapeless hands, darkness itself.</p>
<p>It made him shiver under his blankets and he closed his eyes and tried to imagin something that would bring him back to a better state of mind.</p>
<p>Your hands.</p>
<p>Soft and warm.</p>
<p>The hands of the girl that just moved in across the street.</p>
<p>He could see though your window when he stood behind the curtains in his kitchen.</p>
<p>He watched you serveral times now. When you changed your clothes. You were so beautiful. He thought about you a lot when he felt the hole in his lonely heart.</p>
<p>It was your hands he imagined as he shivered at night.</p>
<p>He has never been touched by loving hands before.</p>
<p>Never been hugged by anyone exept his mother.</p>
<p>All he ever wished for was someone to hold him at night.</p>
<p>Someone to keep the shapeless , grabbing hands of darkness away from his fragile body.</p>
<p>And your hands seemed just right for it.</p>
<p>He saw them when you opened and closed the window.</p>
<p>But deep down he knew it was only a dream to feel them across his face.</p>
<p>To feel them in his hair, after you kissed passionately.</p>
<p>It was only daydreams. Hallucinations, visions even like Dr Kane claimed.</p>
<p>Arthur put the cigatette down in the ashtray and started writing:</p>
<p>"Today I woke up and wanted to die. I don`t even know why. It was just a gut feeling that has been growing inside of me over the years. I can feel it every day. Its sitting right there on my shoulders when I take a walk outside. Its is sitting beside me when I am on the subway. Its watching me with his ugly eyes when I make dinner for my mum. Its always there,its arms tight around my feet, kicking and screaming for me to give in.</p>
<p>It wants me to give in. I just know it. Any maybe I should.</p>
<p>But then I start hearing other voices again.</p>
<p>Soft whispers of a girl, her breath hot against my ear. She tells me she loves me and convinces me that everything is going to be okay.</p>
<p>I know she isnt real but it still holds me back from doing what I should.</p>
<p>I mean...she is real actually. She lives across my street but she has not noticed me yet. I guess she never will. No one ever does. Not even my mother. She just keeps on talking about Thomas Wayne, thats all she seemed to be interested in. But she is in a bad condition and I guess its okay. I don`t wanna be another burden she has to carry. I guess she would be better off without me. Another reason why I should quit.</p>
<p>I should be used of being lonely. But its something I never get used to. It gets harder every day actually. It gets harder with age. I turn 36 soon and I feel even more miserable than ever before. I should end it. I should really end it all.</p>
<p>Lets be honest. The girl across my street will never even look me in the eyes. She might see me leaving the house some day, but she will just walk on by, like I wasnt even there. </p>
<p>Would she walk over me if I would lie there on the sidewalk?</p>
<p>No I guess she wouldnt. She looks very nice and caring.</p>
<p>Maybe she would help me get back up if I was lucky.</p>
<p>But thats it.</p>
<p>The touch of her hand helping me up would be the only chance to ever feel her soft skin on mine.</p>
<p>Maybe I should go out and threw myself on the street.</p>
<p>Hoping that she will see me from her window, before I will get hit by a tuck.</p>
<p>Or even better. maybe I should get hit by a fucking truck and she will see the bloody mess when she is about to go out to buy some food. </p>
<p>She would see me lying there and would get to me in a hurry.Trying to wake me. It would be too late but I guess she would shed a tear over me. </p>
<p>I know she doesnt even know who I am but she looks like someone who would shed a tear over a dead stranger, lying in front of her house.</p>
<p>And her empathy , her salty  tear falling upon my bloody forehead would be worth it.</p>
<p>Anyway.... yesterday I couldnt even distrakt myself by daydreaming about her.</p>
<p>So I wanted to give it a tray and made myself a hot bath.</p>
<p>I waited till Penny was asleep.</p>
<p>I even checked twice if she was.</p>
<p>I mixed her dinner with some of my sleeping pills, to make sure she won`t wake up and use the bathroom while I was trying to kill myself.</p>
<p>I couldnt handle the thought of her seeing this.</p>
<p>It would look like I am asleep when she finds me in the morning, so this should be okay.</p>
<p>I didnt wanted to break her heart but as I said, she is better off without me. Everyone is.</p>
<p>I can`t connect to other people. I tried it all my life but it just won`t happen.</p>
<p>I try to make them laugh, tell them jokes, bring them flowers,...</p>
<p>But it never works.</p>
<p>So why try over and over again?</p>
<p>I am just sick of this.</p>
<p>And a bathtub full of hot water would do its duty.</p>
<p>So... I tip toed to the bathroom, shut the door quietly and got rid of my clothes.</p>
<p>A last look into the mirror.</p>
<p>My skinny  body is starting to freeze. The room is cold.</p>
<p>My ribs are popping out where my skin is bruised all over.</p>
<p>They kicked the shit out of me a week ago.</p>
<p>The good thing is... it won`t happen again.</p>
<p>My fingers wandered across my hollow belly.</p>
<p>I havent eaten for days.</p>
<p>I looked fragile.</p>
<p>How could the girl ever love a man looking like this?</p>
<p>I bet she gets laid with some kind of buff guy, with stong arms.</p>
<p>Its hard to look at my own reflection.</p>
<p>Green eyes starred back at me.</p>
<p>Kinda intense.</p>
<p>I expected them to look empty.</p>
<p>They didn`t.</p>
<p>The look I gave myself scared me in a way.</p>
<p>Like my very own eyes are asked me what the fuck am I doing here.</p>
<p>That I shoud turn off the water and get back to sleep.</p>
<p>But sleep would not happen.</p>
<p>Only shapeless , cold hands again.</p>
<p>Black shadowns against my pale skin.</p>
<p>The only sleep I could ever find is right there...</p>
<p>I looked at the bathtub, which I could also see in the mirror. It was almost filled now.</p>
<p>It was time.</p>
<p>The last look I dedicated to the scar on my upper lip.</p>
<p>My cheekbones.</p>
<p>My brown, sweaty hair.</p>
<p>Bye Arthur Fleck.</p>
<p>I turned around and  put my right foot into the water. It was painfully hot.</p>
<p>Pain is good. I wanted to feel something.</p>
<p>The left foot followed, so as the rest of my bony body.</p>
<p>I layed down.</p>
<p>The hot water like an embrace.</p>
<p>The warm embrace I never experienced with another person.</p>
<p>With the girl I love.</p>
<p>It felt like a thousand hands loving me all at once.</p>
<p>"Love me" I whispered into the dark bathroom.</p>
<p>I took a close look at my own hands.</p>
<p>I think I never looked at them closely before.</p>
<p>They were destined to touch someones body.</p>
<p>To hold someones face between them. Gently. While kissing the one that lets me love her.</p>
<p>But i just couldnt make it happen.</p>
<p>I`m a freaking looner.</p>
<p>Nothing more than that.</p>
<p>A freak maybe. First of all a freak.</p>
<p>A silent whimper escaped my lips right before I let my head sunk under the water.</p>
<p>The feeling of being under water gave me comfort.</p>
<p>Even more comfort than crawling into the fridge.</p>
<p>Its like being locked up.</p>
<p>The outside world cant hurt you anymore.</p>
<p>Thats why I actually liked being at Arkham.</p>
<p>A cage can be comforting.</p>
<p>But you don`t need a cage anymore, after you left your body.</p>
<p>I would be free soon.</p>
<p>I felt the urge to get up.</p>
<p>Now comes the hardest part I thought.</p>
<p>I felt the pressure in my lungs.</p>
<p>But I would`t get up.</p>
<p>I wanted it to end.</p>
<p>My ears shut. So as the voices in my head. It became quiet now.</p>
<p>So quiet.</p>
<p>Is this what peace feels like?</p>
<p>My chest started to hurt</p>
<p>And as the burning sets in I heard her voice calling me.</p>
<p>"Arthur, come back!"</p>
<p>No, I wont listen to another hallucination again.</p>
<p>"Arthur, please! I need you to notice me"</p>
<p>I know how it feels like to remain unnoticed.</p>
<p>Bubbles coming out of my mouth.</p>
<p>"What if I could actually love you, Artie? What if I would hold you in my arms forever and I can`t cuz you had to kill yourself first?"</p>
<p>Sounds convincing. I had to admit.</p>
<p>"What if I was just as lonely as you and we are meant for each other?"</p>
<p>What if actually?</p>
<p>The burning gets worse. My lungs feel like they are about to burst.</p>
<p>More bubbles.</p>
<p>I open my eyes underwater.</p>
<p>And there she was.</p>
<p>I saw her beautiful shape standing in fron of the bathtub. Her arms streched out for me.</p>
<p>My vision was blurry but I still saw that she looked WORRIED.</p>
<p>Because of me.</p>
<p>I could tell she was about to cry.</p>
<p>The tear came into my mind.</p>
<p>The tear falling upon my bloody forehead.</p>
<p>The one I couldnt  have felt anymore.</p>
<p>Whats the point of a tear you cant feel anymore?</p>
<p>The point of being loved when you never knew you were loved?</p>
<p>What if there is the slightest chance that someone sees me?</p>
<p>I felt her arms grabbing me, lifting my tiney body out of the bathtub.</p>
<p>I was gasping for air, coughing.</p>
<p>Her face above me as I lay on the cold floor.</p>
<p>"You`re cold,Arthur" she smiled in the cutest way and covered my shaking body with a bathrobe, stroking my wet hair out of my face.</p>
<p>"You`re beautiful" I whispered with shaking lips.</p>
<p>"So as you, Arthur. I`m glad you?re back!"</p>
<p>"You are?"</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>Black out.</p>
<p>I woke up naked on the bathroom floor.</p>
<p>No bathrobe to protect me from the cold.</p>
<p>The bathtub still full of water.</p>
<p>I felt weak while I stood up. My skinny legs unstable.</p>
<p>Then I started to remember it again.</p>
<p>I wanted to end me.</p>
<p>But there was this girl.... the girl from across the street.</p>
<p>She...</p>
<p>I guess it was just another vision i had.</p>
<p>I put my underwear  and PJ pants back on, walking into the kitchen, made some coffee. Light a cigarette and watched out the window. </p>
<p>Same old world.</p>
<p>But then... the girl just left the house.</p>
<p>I dont know why but I headed out of the house in a sec, still in my PJ.</p>
<p>I stood across the street and watched her.</p>
<p>She looked like an angel.</p>
<p>So soft and beautiful.</p>
<p>There was something about her smile.</p>
<p>"Sir?" my heart skipped a beat as I realized she was looking at me.</p>
<p>"Sir, can I ask you something?" she walked towards me, bright eyes.</p>
<p>"Y....yes sure?!" I mumbled.</p>
<p>"I dont know if you are aware but I just moved in some weeks ago and I dont know anyone here in the neighborhood..." she seemed kinda shy, which i really liked.</p>
<p>"I dont usually do this... its kinda embarrassing" she laughed.</p>
<p>"No...no...its okay... what is it?"</p>
<p>"Well... I was watching you for quite a time now...." she was looking at the ground, then back into my eyes  "And... well... I´d love to get to know you better. I was dreaming about you yesterday.... oh god I shouldnt have said that.... I am so sorry.... but I couldnt get you out of my mind ever since." she blushed.</p>
<p>"Are you....serious?"</p>
<p>She smiled "Yeeahhh. Oh yes I am. I just wondered if you would go out on a date with me. there I said it"</p>
<p>She offered me her hand  "I am Y/N"</p>
<p>"I`m Arthur"</p>
<p>I touched her hand.</p>
<p>Her hand !</p>
<p>Skin on skin.</p>
<p>I felt a tear running down my cheek.</p>
<p>A tear I could still feel.</p>
<p>Just like her hand.</p>
<p>"Arthur? Are you crying?"</p>
<p>I sqeezed her hand and felt happiness for the first time in my life.</p>
<p>"Oh Y/N .... Don´t you worry about that!"</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>